Today is meant to be a simple ‘Thank you’ to mothers. A day that delights many children who have earnestly glued, glittered & coloured their love into cards for their Mums.
Most of the children I provide therapy for do love this opportunity to show their appreciation. It can be a reassuring serotonin-oxytocin boost day to help attachments. It can be validating of the permanence they have craved after too many moves to get here.
But Mother’s Day isn’t so straight forward for all adopted children & I often notice a spike in referrals a few weeks later. From February, the shops are bursting with cards blazoned with phrases like “The best mum ever!” When making cards in school, kids can often fake the toxic positivity they sense is required. But underneath, they can feel so torn & prickly about how to organised their hearts. Some are secretly aching for their birth Mum to be in their life. Others are worried if she is ok or even still alive & will she be sad on this day. They can feel such guilt to not be sending her a card. They can feel even more guilt at wanting to, for fear they have betrayed their beloved adoptive mum. Those whose early memories were of abuse or neglect can find the entire day too triggering. Often their last memory was an emotional ‘Goodbye’ in their social worker’s contact office. Trauma flashbacks can include birth mums being victims of domestic abuse or of hurting them. For those who have internalised the events as being proof that they are a bad child, unloved and not worthy of protection, Mother’s Day can be too hard full stop.
So how can adoptive parents support their child through such a complex mix of feelings? And on a day that may already be emotive for them too, hosting some very painful scars around parenthood.
Try to tune in to your child’s specific mix of worry/hurt/confusion around the theme of Mums. Let them talk about their birth parents if they can. Use the PACE approach (Playful, Accepting of their feelings, Curious not preachy or controlling, and Empathic). If they are more on the side of sorrow/loss or confusion over betraying you, maybe it’s a day for making something for a memory box, or for them to make a card for their birth mum which can be sent on or held on file depending on your contact agreement. Some families light a candle each year or look at photos. If this is too much for your child, maybe read the fabulous book, “Motherbridge of Love”. If your child is more on the side of anger & fear, strengthen the anchoring to you by laughing about all the tests you had to take to be allowed to adopt them. Kiddies never seem to tire of hearing about this! My book, "50 Gold Stars" is written for this end.
Talk about your Family Forever Law made at Court and all the things you loved about becoming a Mum. Talk about the night before you met them, and how you grew into motherhood through burning fish fingers and learning all the names of Pokemon. If they have a reactive attachment towards you, shrink the theme & make it more specific – a thank you card to you for that yummy pasta last night or for picking up all the lego again. It gets it done, you don’t miss out completely, and it gradually desensitizes the day for future years. Treat yourself on the years it’s too hard – your heart is important and emotional energy is your main fuel. And if this last line is relevant to you then you’ve probably already had a bundle of hurt in the year and today needs some TLC for you too.